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The ImpracticAL Naruto Ninja

naruto-retro1 Post Author: Bob

This post will examine some of the impracticalities of Naruto ninjas. I’ll list some beefs I’ve always had with ninjas in the Naruverse. Yeah, I know most of it is just Kishimoto’s artistic license, but just for fun take a moment and imagine how functional these things would be for a real life ninja.

naruto-sandals 1. Ninja sandals. Sure they look pretty flashy and are sure to keep the feet cool on hot summer days, but isn’t it a little dangerous going into battle with your toes exposed? Unless there’s wide spread athlete’s foot in the Ninja World, I see no reason why they don’t wear normal boots or shoes. If you ever had your toes stepped on while wearing sandals or slippers, you know it hurts like hell. Now try to imagine if a stray shuriken or kunai hitting those same toes – yeah, something’s going to go flying off.

naruto-forehead-protector 2. Forehead protectors. This is even worse than the sandals, half the characters don’t even wear them on their heads; they are totally fashion accessories. Hang a piece of metal attached to a cloth to your head and off you go into battle fighting for your life — which dumbass came up with this idea? Either wear a full helmet or don’t bother at all, I say. Not only does that piece of metal offer minimal protection, it also reflects light – not exactly helpful for a stealthy ninja.

orange_jumpsuit3. Speaking of Stealth: Orange jumpsuits. You’re not a Saiyan warrior or a prison inmate, you’re a freakin’ ninja — dark colors are your friend! You might as well put a big bull’s eye on your back and wear strobe lights on your head. Seriously, don’t these ninjas have a dress code? Or at least ANBU fashion police?

4. Explosive tags. Problem: paper gets wet; wet things don’t explode.

log5. The kawarimi no jutsu log. The common woodland log is the most common body substitution object used by all ninja. No matter where battles are taking place, there always seems to be an amble supply of freshly cut logs for ninjas to use. Trees don’t cut themselves, so where do these logs come from?

naruto-fishnet6. Fishnet armor. You see some kunoichi’s (Temari, Anko, Ino) as well as guy ninjas wearing them (Shikamaru), but you have to wonder if it provides any protection at all. If it’s like chain mail, then it’s going to be really heavy, noisy and will chafe like hell if you don’t wear something underneath (and no character seems to). If not, then it’s only there for sex appeal — and if that’s the case, it’s no wonder Shikamaru always gets the girls?

7. Calling out your next technique. Not only does this violate the whole ninja = stealth idea, but you’re telling your opponent what you’re doing next and giving them a heads up before you strike. Also, some of these attack names are so long that I’m surprise the person doesn’t run out of breath first.

naruto_kunai8. Myth: holding a kunai in your mouth increases your combat effectiveness. If you have hands, use them. You’re not scaring anyone with your drool-covered kunai. Yeah, you might think you look badass, but one of these days….

9. Myth: Running with your arms behind you makes you go faster (sorry, couldn’t find a pic of this, but I think you know what I’m talking about). No, it makes you look like a dumbass. But if you’re a true narutard, I bet you’ve tried this yourself… hopefully not in public. I see no practical advantages for anybody to run like this: you’re more prone to falling forward if you trip and more vulnerable to an frontal attack since your arms are so far back. Sorry, but your arms aren’t rear spoilers.

naruko-comic110. A guy transforming into a naked girl. Okay, I admit it’s a pretty good distraction tactic in battle and provides some sweet fan service, but it’s also extremely awkward if you think about it:
Guy A: check out that naked blonde girl
Guy B: yeah, but it’s a dude
Guy A: but she’s hot…
Guy B: …and has a dick.

21 Responses

  1. Haha! Totally feel u on this post! Lighthearted and humorous! I’d posit on the sandals thing, that they r actually alright. What makes no sense are jiraiya’s ones, how the hell do u remain highly mobile in wooden thongs!
    And if anyone has watched Basilisk you’d know how a proper hidden village is meant to act, they r hidden for a reason, but in Naruto every other village (a) knows whre the other villages are and (b) what abilities their ninja have. Hidden my arse!

  2. lol, love it. but u missed a person on the whole “wears fishnets”, if u remember when Sakura was expieramenting w/ lesbianism, i mean healing Hinata’s wound on her chest (which there wasn’t any, and no sign of torn cloth or blood, so i actually think the first might b more likly), Hinata was also wearing a fishnet shirt

  3. hey guys, i don’t know how many ppl kno this, but i just found out somthing wicked awesome about Kakuzu: all his techniques r named after stuff in Mobile Suit Gundam: http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Earth_Release:_Earth_Spear under “notes”

  4. Jet prime that is sweet about kakuzu bob I love it man but I don’t think the fishnet mail is heavy but I love the sandal thing u r right

  5. ninja sandals have some purpose, they help channel chakra in the feet

    Headbands are just for respect

    calling out your technique is for concentration, kinda like wizards in harry potter…

    however…
    Orange jump suits are worn because the budget commity found that strobe-lights and bull’s eyes were more expensive…

    and the ANBU did have a fashion police, but they called Danzo tacky… that’s why they have stealthy outfits but no one else…

  6. lol , nice
    i tried that running with hands behind the back
    it do feel like a speed boost but yes as u
    said bob balance is difficult

  7. side line on kunai in the mouth is really funny.
    well they sure have good dentist in naruverse.

  8. wow great post i truely enjoyed it

  9. soooo funny bob, i really like the neji naruto side panel. i think they do the running with their hands bhin their backs just to look cool lol

  10. Great post Bob (other than misspelling the title word impractical). Years ago, when I was first introduced to the Naruto series, I often wondered where they stored the logs used for substitution. Since then, I, along with everyone else, have just taken them for granted (as I think Kishi does).

    I have to admit to the running like a ninja thing; I have done it more than once, though I prefer arms-to-the-side running (ninja-running is awkward). As for the ninja clothing, I like it. Super talented ninjas should be able to wear whatever they want without being detected. I guess that makes Konoha ninja cocky. Holding weapons in your mouth does seem dangerous, then again Orochimaru often swallowed his weapons so….

  11. LOL describes this post excellently. You talked about something I’ve been saying for years, “why the orange jumpsuit?” lol. If anyone’s ever played a Naruto game, you see those substitution logs being used in deserts lol.
    There’s also anther thing I’d like to talk about. “Why pink hair?” Shouldn’t they dye their hair black or something? Zabuza was the first guy to put a kunai in his mouth, no wonder his teeth are so sharp……

    BTW, I did try to run like Naruto, and the neighbors were all like “WTF?” and staring. But at least I know I looked like Zabuza 8D

  12. @ “Great post Bob (other than misspelling the title word impractical).”

    Gah! And here I am suppose to set an example for all the newbie bloggers. Nice catch doc, but for pointing out the imperfections of Bob, I’m afraid you’ll have to spent a month in the Shannaro!!! gulags.

  13. Oklay7 this was a pretty good post but you missed some non artistic impracticalities.
    1) Why the hell are there Computers, small radios, televison set’s, camera’s, and other tech in the naruverse, YET WE STILL HAENT SEEN AN HONEST TO GOODNESS LIGHTN BULB! I mean seriously! You can make all this stuff but cant harness light in a small glass bulb. And anyone who dares say anything about their being light in the naruto movies(it doesnt count if not in the manga) will get castrated with a rusty spoon! Girls will get a small warning.
    2) Big Honking swords that should way 200 pounds being used like their made of paper! I mean seriously, It’s got to be a huge hassle to have to carry around all that dead weight, especially when the sword you use doesnt even kill nobody! It’s pathetic!
    3) The biggest one of all – rooftop battles! yes rooftop battles1 sure they may be flashy, and dramtaic. They may show us how much of a douche these guys are for being so concieted that they have to fight on a rooftop.And Yes no one can go a single rooftop battle without having a flashback. BUT C’MON! Really, fighting in the streets isnt enough for you people. You cant fight silently and without causing massive destruction! You actually have to put the fight on hold, walk all the f**k up to the top of the building, and fight on the freaking roof where someone is bound to fall off easily yet never does? You might as well be fighting on an airship!, (oh wait they did that too!) The point is if youre gonna fight dont be a rooftop fighter. Those guys never even buy a round of drinks for the guys at the bar. Damn what is it with ninja being high!
    Suna OUT!

  14. @ kisu, don’t EVEN mess with Sakura’s hair! *punch* If Sakura dyed her hair black it would look awful with her pink eyebrows.

    @ Bob, the gulags? o.O and thanks for changing it ; D

    @ Suna, rooftops provide much more space (aerial-wise) than streets, plus it does look cooler

  15. EXACTLY MY POINT! IT ONLY LOOK’S COOLER!

    Rooftops dont provide more space!(depends on rooftops though) You could just as easliy jump from rooftop to rooftop if you are doing an aerial battle not just stay on a single rooftop! It’s a huge waste of time and a cliche. Not only that but the actual practicality of it isnt good since the winds would make your weapons go off coarse, dust would get in your eye’s from so high up, and there’s always a chance of hitting a bird when you jump. It just isnt that good.
    Suna OUT!

  16. Great Bob, many ideas can be used …you have a great blog here! I’m definitely going to bookmark you! Thank you for your info. And this is spam site. It pretty much covers spam related stuff.

  17. Lol i like the sarcasm. But i probably wouldn’t watch the show if they used all of your suggestions. And by the way they summon the chopped wood using a blood contract 😉

  18. maybe the post about slippers has a point. if ninja sandals are a bit like slippers then they could actually make you run faster(according to peter kay anyway).

  19. LOL HOW DO U HAVE TIME FOR THIS STUPID CONVO NARUTO IS JUST AN ANIME SO WHY SHOULD IT BE SO REALISTIC & THIS STUPID GUY TALKIN ABT THE RUNIN STYLE U WERENT TO TALK ABT IT IF U HAVENMT TRIED IT YOURSELF…..& I LIKED THE IDEA OF SUMONING THE WOOD LOG ….& THE FOREHEAD PROTECTORS ARENT FOR PROTECTION THEY R MORE LIKE CERTIFICATE DUMBASS :s

  20. I might just use that little convo at the end at my next friendship seminar…

  21. The sandles are a anime modern form of wawarji, it is what ALL ninja, samurai and peasent farmers wore. so they did indeed fight all the time in them, your toes hurt because you have never ever used them for anything but scratching the back of your leg sitting at the computer and walking the fifteen feet to the refrigerator.
    The forehead protector is from the later end of the edo period when samuai would use wooden swords called bokken to practice their art, apparently they were not fond of having scarred foreheads,,, watch when the last sword is drawn for refrence,
    Im guessing the orange suit is so he looks like a civilian, ie dressing how you want to. but far be it from me to judge your espionage skil, nohing says hey im not up to anything like wearing an all black outfit coupled with a mask… thats why cia guys always are dressed with masks and big flashing cia on everything they wear when out on a mission.
    Paper does get wet. I’ll give you that one,
    the log substitution… i cant believe thats even a gripe. you dont seem to complain about the multiplication or the fire breathing.
    I’ve personally been troubled by the fishnet armor but you can see sonny chiba wearing it in the ninja classic the executioner. at the end he removes it and uses it like a nunchuku implying it indeed does have some heft ie armor.If you doubt mr chibas creditblity he has a 4th degree black belt from bujinkan since the 70s and several other black belts includig a karate from none other than mas oyama
    the only other i will address is holding your arms behind you whilst running, if you ever ran down a hill with uneven footing you woud know that your hands must come out to the sides to maintain balance, mostly likely behind you to keep you from tumbling forward. so next time you pull that sandwich out of your mouth prehaps you shouldnt replace it with your foot.

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